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| "We the best" - DJ Khaled |
First,
to answer the obvious question: I’m not dead. Mom, you know this, but for the
other reader of the blog (sup random Bulgarian, who I’m pretty sure only clicks
through my blog for the half-naked photos): a pesky Achilles injury has all but
sidelined me since last May. Full-fledged blob status was avoided thanks to a
gym membership, an indoor bike trainer, and the removal of Poptarts as the
foundation of my diet.
Something I’ve come to realize is that, while I may mentally still be that 12-year old who plays Pokemon into the wee hours of the morning, the stupid fragile vessel that is my bod has indeed aged since 2002. I mean, I still can’t grow a beard and continue to wait for my voice to drop, but my days of 8-hour WoW raids while fueling on Hot Pockets, then waking up for cross country practice at 5:30am, are (hopefully) behind me.
And so, prioritizing my Zs, consuming things that are green (not including Shamrock Shakes), and stretching pre/post run have become necessary if I want to keep racing. Plus side: I’ve become quite adept at making sweet, sweet love with my foam roller, skills that I’m sure will one day, in the hopefully-not-too-distant future, pay dividends in other, real-life situations.
Running
became possible again this past April, and so, with a solid month of training
under my belt, I flew out west to Santa Barbara for the biannual HOKA ONE ONE
Brand Conference back in May. My devout followers surely know by now that my
twice-per-year vacation out at HOKA’s headquarters in sunny California always results
in a solid tan, too many adult beverages, and a glorious foot race amongst the
entire company. While last Brand Conference saw me race a mountain 5K across
some gnarly SoCal terrain (and get my ass dusted by multitudes of old dudes),
we opted for the track and a return to the annual HOKA ONE ONE DMR (Distance
Medley Relay) for this year’s race.
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| Our running shoe company is better than your running shoe company. |
It
should come as no great surprise, but HOKA has some seriously fast runners who
work for the company. From National Masters winners (Mike McManus, Senior
Director of Sports Marketing) to Olympic Trials Marathon qualifiers (Dustin
Emerick, Indianapolis FSR) to World Championship competitors (Rolanda Bell, New
York FSR), there’s no lack of competition. And no matter our current fitness
level or degree of manboob jiggle, a group of runners will always be competitive,
both on and off the track (see: Beer + Marshmallow Relay photos below).
Planning
for this year’s DMR started a week prior, when I received a text from the
Carolinas FSR Tom “TAHM!” Hopkins. Tom, fresh off of taking time off post-racing
Boston, and myself, fresh off of beating the new Zelda, both agreed we were
severely out of shape, but could most likely find a pretty decent team. I’d
received some insider info from Suzie Clark back at HOKA HQ about the new New
York FSR Rolanda being a total friggin’ stud, so I suggested we con her into
running the mile portion of the race, and Tom snagged up Lindsay “Major Key”
Jones, Philadelphia FSR, to represent the speed of the team in the 400.
For
the confused/uninitiated/readers who don’t get sexually excited watching
runners loop around an oval countless times, the DMR is a four-person relay on
the track, where runners race: 1200m (3/4 of a mile, or 3 laps), 400m (1 lap),
800m (2 laps), and 1600m (basically a mile, or 4 laps). For whatever reason, I
opted to lead us off in the 1200m, to be followed by Lindsay in the 400m, Tom
in the 800m, and Rolanda to finish off the race with the 1600m.
It should be noted, but we raced the DMR at
the HOKA ONE ONE Brand Conference last year at this time, though I didn’t blog
about it. The emotional turmoil I endured over the course of that short race
still haunts me at night, but for you, my dear readers, I’ll provide a short
recap.
Basically, us FSRs had crafted a world-class
team to take on the sales reps and marketing teams; with phenomenal performances
from Brandon Hosch in the 1200, Alex Kurt in the 400m, and Tom in the 800m, I
was handed the baton in 2nd place, ready to run the mile of my life.
Two laps into the 4-lap race, I confidently passed into 1st place
with conviction, accelerating with the knowledge that us FSRs would win this
race, affirming our superior strategic prowess and vO2 max potentials amongst
the entire HOKA ONE ONE company.
As I entered my final lap, though, something
was amiss: the spectators started screaming at me to run faster! By the confidence with which I passed the 1st
place runner, I knew there could be no way he was catching back up to me, but I
started my kick 300m out, pumping my arms and legs like a bat out of hell.
Somehow though, with only half a lap to go, I could feel someone creep up on my
shoulder. There’s no way! I told
myself, but glanced to my right, only to find…Craig Lutz.
Craig, a HOKA ONE ONE sponsored professional
athlete, with a sub-4 mile to his name, was surreptitiously enlisted by the
marketing team in a devious ploy to win the DMR. What was less running and more
transcending the physical planes of our Earth, Craig put 100m on me in the
blink of an eye. The velocity by which he passed me (and simultaneously shat on
my ego) in those few milliseconds still torment me; if there’s any consolation,
I was able to learn firsthand why I am not, and will never be, a sponsored
athlete (also stoked Craig is part of HOKA!). With my ego shattered, I limply
crawled my way to the finish line, securing first-last place for the FSRs, and
instigating a crippling depression that’s lasted until this day…
~RACE
DAY~
Up
at well-before-sunrise, our unnamed and underhyped team made our way over to
San Marcos High School’s track. After a laughable warmup, we learned we’d all
have access to the new HOKA ONE ONE track spike, the Speed Evo R. Perhaps it
was blind faith in the company I work for, or perhaps I’d run out of f*cks to
give, but despite my horrendous track record of racing in spikes (blisters,
injuries, having to poop, etc.), I opted to give them a shot.
With
only enough time for a single stride, we were called to the start, provided
directions (move legs, turn left, etc.), and lined up. As is typically my M.O.,
my expectations here were pretty minimal; I’d warned my team numerous times
that my fitness was essentially nonexistent. 5-minute mile pace would have me through the 1200
at 3:45, so I made that a lofty goal; I’d literally not touched anything at
that pace since last year’s DMR.
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| Classic Kimura |
A
short whistle, and we were off; I quickly moved to the inside lane and fell in
behind Brandon and Ian, focusing on staying relaxed and comfortable. I was
honestly amazed how quickly my mind and body fell into a state of flow; I was
very much racing myself here, but happened to sit comfortably in third place,
and before I knew it, we were rounding the first lap in 68-69 seconds. I didn’t
pay any heed to the fact that I was literally 6-7 seconds faster than I’d
intended on being, and so short into the race, as I was still feeling smooth.
Kimura had made a quick run for glory, but Brandon, Ian and I passed him early
into the second lap, and we continued rolling at essentially the same pace
through lap 2.
Lots
of cheering from the rest of my team/HOKA employees kept me in the game, and
after another 69-second lap (although I didn’t know it at the time), I was on
my last lap. Things started to shake up and I made a big push with 300m to go;
I crept up on the shoulder of Brandon, but with 200m to go, both Brand and Ian
started pulling away. At this point, my body was able to familiarize itself
again with lactic acid, and as my form cramped up hella bad, Josh
(Minnesota-based FSR) inched by me. After (subjectively) the longest 100m
straightaway in history, I passed off to Lindsay in 4th place,
ecstatic with running a 3:25 1200m (roughly 4:35 mile pace).
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| Would eventually get outkicked so hard by these two. |
After
that, the rest is history. Lindsay absolutely annihilated her 400m leg,
splitting a 64 and putting us into 2nd place. T-Hop shat all over
his competition for a 2:12(!?) half mile – not bad for someone who threw up
after a 5:15 mile a year and a half ago…Tom handed off to Rolanda in 1st,
but with Master’s Champ/Sports Marketing Director Mike McManus right on her
heels. He followed her until 800m to go, then made a move that Rolanda was able
to deftly match. Finally, with just a lap to go, Rolanda regained 1st
place, and despite Mike’s formidable/universally recognized old man strength,
Rolanda was able to take the dub for the FSRs by mere milliseconds.
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| #Paparazzi |
I
know I say this a lot, but I friggin’ love this company. Not just the product
(of which I’m a definitive fanboy), but there really aren’t too many sales
meetings that start with a 6:30am balls-out track race (and then culminating in
a beer and marshmallow relay. Seriously. 4 people, 4 beers, 400m, and 4
marshmallows apiece. It should be noted, but I was also on the winning team
here. Can you say ‘Common Denominator’?).
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| College, this is what you were for... |
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| Literally doing everything I could to not blow chunks... |
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| This is somehow my job. |
The
stoke is real following the Brand Conference, and y’all best believe there are
some hella dope HOKAs coming out soon. I’m also easing back into this racing
thing, and am simply waiting on the photographic evidence before I inundate you
with yet another race report on Leon’s Triathlon from just a couple weeks ago!
